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Etty
Hillesum
15.January 1914 - 30 November 1943
It
really was a very special gift from Etty Hillesum, a Dutch Jewess,
to leave us, the future generations, her Diaries. In them she wrote,
frankly, clearly and passionately, her most intimate thoughts and
experiences during her quest for a meaningful and developing life.
An attentive reader will feel very moved to witness her extra-ordinary
journey, in which the growth of a personal religion is recorded
from day to day, or as she writes: ‘What a strange story it really
is, my story: the story of the girl that could not kneel. Or its
variation: the girl who learned to pray.’
Etty
lived in Amsterdam, in a time where the restrictions and interruptions
of Jewish life increased daily, and it is in this context that Etty
started to search for inner liberation. She opened a diary on March
the 8th 1941, in order ‘to get hold of her life’ as she puts it
clearly. From then on she wrote almost daily until she was detained
in Westerbork, the transit camp that was the last stop for Dutch
Jews en route to Auschwitz.
From
Westerbork she wrote many letters, until she was deported together
with both her parents and a younger brother to Auschwitz. They all
died in November 1943.
It
is a real and strengthening inspiration to know and to read how
a young woman was able to develop herself by sheer will and belief
that it was possible and needed. She did it in a most difficult
time and in diabolical circumstances, within a period of hardly
two years. There is much to learn from her journey, and her notes
offer precious information about the route she followed, from which
we can learn.
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Etty
in 1941 |
Etty
was 27 years old, when she started her diary. She was leading her
life in a rather unconventional, chaotic style. After she graduated
in Law from the University of Amsterdam, she took up the study of
Psychology, whilst earning her living as a secretary and as a private
teacher of Slavonic language. She also had a part-time function
as a ‘femme d’honneur’, replacing the mother in the home of a 62
years old widower, with whom she developed an intimate relationship.
In
her young years Etty got heavily influenced by the chaotic, passionate
and emotional ways of her mother, a refugee from Russia. Etty experienced
these ways as very turbulent and disturbing. Etty also, did not
learn to balance her emotions and she suffered heavy depressions,
followed by outbursts of passionate vitality. Her younger brother
suffered from schizophrenia and Etty sometimes feared a hereditary
illness, so she sought psychological help of Julius Spier, who studied
with Jung and is credited with being the founder of psychochirology
- the study and classification of palm prints in relation to human
psychology. He suggested she would start a diary in order to learn
to ‘unite body and soul and spirit to one whole’ and to get to know
herself. She takes this advice at first with some hesitance, but
very quickly, she finds herself writing whenever the urge is felt,
often several times a day. She will write early in the morning during
a few private moments in the bathroom, she will even stop and write
whilst cycling home late at night, she writes whilst preparing lunch
or just before going to sleep.
Getting
acquainted with her ‘female’
Etty
1937 |
Initially
Etty is trying to find out through writing what is going on inside
her. She learns to follow her own inner processes and starts to
become genuinely interested in herself. She tries to understand
why she is depressed, or overwhelmed by emotions or mood fluctuations.
She also pays attention to physical ailments, which she tries to
smother with a lot of aspirins. There seems to be no thread in her
writing, rambling on from one subject to another, to the attentive
reader however it becomes obvious that she is getting acquainted
with her female life. Etty starts to address her female in a loving
humorous way like ‘dear little one, sis, missy or demoiselle’ whilst
she is trying to educate her and explaining why she wants certain
disciplines from her:
“17
March half past ten in the evening: At the end of the day, you need
to contemplate your day during ten minutes in a concentrated way,
consider what good and wrong it brought, what was unnecessary effort
and so on”.
She
confronts her female with aspects she doesn’t like and wants to
change and she records what has successfully changed in her life.
Meanwhile she gets emotionally attached to Spier and it is this
evolving relationship that works as a catalyst for further development.
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The
woman: managing her life
Etty
is university-educated and she has a deep love for language. She
wants to become a writer, and exercises herself to find the right
words to describe the processes that are going on inside her. She
tries to develop qualities like discernment and self-honesty as
well as gentleness. Her descriptions of situations or feelings are
often witty and clear-cut. And she doesn’t mince her words when
she feels frustrated or annoyed:
“Sunday
morning, 5 October 1941, 9 o’clock: And now it will be finished
and over, damn you. You are really boring with those profound thoughts
and feelings. It is time to become disciplined again, now. I will
hunt you down with my lash. Today will be filled with translating,
word after word from Dutch into Russian, and you will use your grammar
and a dictionary, very down-to-earth. And you can wait with solving
the many questions about life for a while. And the question of how
to approach Dostojevski, psycho-analytical or historian-materialistic
or more spiritual, is none of your business, you haven’t reached
that point. You didn’t even read Dostojevski properly yet. And the
women’s issue isn’t solved in a Sunday afternoon either, and whether
it will be you who finds the solution is also a big question mark!”
Etty
loves poetry and is inspired by Rilke, whom she quotes often in
her Diaries. Prompted by Spier she starts to read the bible, St.
Augustine, Dostojevski, Jung and others. The conversations with
Spier, which often have a philosophical and personal religious flavor,
touch her profoundly and she reflects on them in her notebooks.
She tries to make up her own mind, and exercises herself to substantiate
her points of view.
She
realizes that her way of living is complicated and in need of good
management and she is able to reflect upon this and to find remedies,
where needed.
“A
prerequisite for my gigantic program is to lead a hygienic life,
physically as well as mentally. For the physical part enough sleep,
a regular cold bath and gymnastics in the morning is a must. And
then the mental hygiene. Scribbling in this book, explaining to
myself, as far as possible, the many processes that are going on
inside”.
Top
The
self monitoring lady and the tenant living within
Etty
shows a great ability to observe attentively and to contemplate
what is going on inside. Soon she describes the urge to purify whatever
she meets.
“The
barbarism of the Nazis evokes in us the same kind of barbarism that
if we could do these days what we wanted to do, would work with
the same methods. We need to turn away from our own barbarism, we
should not foster the hate in us, because it will not help the world
to rise above the mud”.
And
so, she takes on the task of developing her ‘inner core’ and learning
to listen to what can be heard deep inside. She exercises to give
voice to what she feels passing through her. Increasingly she starts
to feel a great passion and a deep gratitude for the precious gift
of life and she develops the desire to be of service to a greater
purpose than her own life. Gradually the presence of the divine
is awakened. The first words Etty directs to God are simple and
full of surrender:
“Oh
God, take me in your big hand and make me your instrument, let me
write for you”.
Top
From
then on whenever she feels sad or distressed or when she is moved
by an intense gratitude for life, she speaks to God and she discovers:
“Deep
inside me is a bottomless well. That is where God resides. Sometimes
I can reach it, but more often rocks and grit are covering the well,
and then God is buried. Then he has to be excavated again”.
From
then on Etty becomes much more attentive to her inner life because
she wants to catch the messages in there. Although she is aware
of feelings of embarrassment and shyness, she nevertheless often
starts a conversation with God during the day.
Whilst
the contact between God and Etty deepens gradually, she learns to
take the harassment of living as a Jewess under Nazi occupation
less and less personally as she realizes that everything is part
of one immense happening in the universe. Also she understands that
she has a part to play and that a development spurt for women is
needed:
“Perhaps
the real, true inner development of women has still to begin. We
are still not yet true human beings but merely females. We are still
bound by traditions from centuries ago, we have yet to be born as
true human beings, and here lies an immense task for women”.
Etty
realizes that part of this development has to do with rising above
personal attachments, physical needs and urges and that she has
to learn to love all human beings as parts of God’s creation. The
personal experience of love (for Julius Spier) offers her a vision
of what is needed:
“One
thing is for sure, one needs to help extend the supply of love on
this planet earth. Every little bit of hate that one adds to the
already existing overload of hate, will make this world more desolate
and more uninhabitable. And of love I have much, very much, so much
that it really adds weight and is not small any longer”.
Top
While
all this is going on inside, her outer life changes just as rapidly.
First assisting Spier with his psychological sessions, she now starts
to have her own group of people who seek psychological counseling.
At the same time the suppression of the Jews becomes more severe,
and many are suffering of ill health and physical weakness, due
to depletion, severe lack of food and medical treatment. Etty herself
is also becoming weaker and has all kind of symptoms of what will
eventually lead to a serious illness.
Severe
razzia’s are held and the victims are sent to Westerbork, a newly
installed transit camp in the eastern part of the Netherlands. Jews
are given notice to prepare to leave within a week to ‘work in factories’
in Germany or Poland. Etty is preparing herself mentally for what
is to come, 3 July 1942 she writes:
“…that
they want our total destruction, I accept it. I am now fully aware
of it. I will not burden others with my fear, I will not become
bitter when others do not understand, what it is about with us Jews.
One security will not be eaten away or undermined by the other.
I work and go on living with the same inner belief and I find life
meaningful, yes indeed meaningful, even if I dare not say that out
loud when company is present. Living and dying, suffering and joy,
blisters on tired feet that have walked too much and the jasmine
in my backyard, the persecutions, the innumerable senseless cruelties,
all in all, it is to me as one powerful whole and I accept all of
it as a one and I start to understand it better and better, just
for myself, without being able to explain to someone else, how it
all fits together. I wish I could live longer so I could explain
it one day. If this shan’t be granted to me, well then someone else
will explain and someone else will live my life, from the point
where mine was snapped off and that is why I have to live a life
as good and as truthfully and as confirmed as possible until my
last sigh, so that the one that comes after me doesn’t have to start
from scratch and therefore won’t have the same difficulties. Isn’t
that also being of account for future generations?”
Friends
press Etty to try to get a job at the Jewish Council, which was
installed to help Jewish people that were being deported. Such a
job would prevent her from being deported herself. They try to convince
her that she can’t be missed as a counsellor. Reluctantly she applies
for a job and gets accepted. But she is not at all happy with the
work at the office of the Jewish Council and she becomes more and
more convinced her task lies elsewhere.
“I
have no fear, I don’t know, I am so tranquil inside. Sometimes it
is as if I am standing on the merlons of the Castle of History and
I am looking far ahead”.
Etty
holds a vision of a time in the future in which people will live
together in a humane way. She believes that this time will come
and she very much wishes to contribute to that time all the precious
things that live with her, most of all love. Love for God, for
life, for all that is created, for mankind. She realizes that the
future is created in what she practices in the now.
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And
then ... God's Embassy
As
soon as she sees an opening she applies for a job in Westerbork
as a representative of the Jewish Council. From then on she is helping
voluntarily the Jewish people that are forced to leave in crammed
cattle-trucks to Auschwitz, in the middle of the night. Many sought
to engage with her in a conversation to unburden themselves and
confide their anxiety and stress to her. She offered comfort as
well as practical help with good humor and attention to unspoken
need.
In
between the drafty barracks, full of routed and persecuted people,
she is finding the confirmation of her love for God and gratitude
for the precious gift of life. Witnessing the suffering of the people,
helping wherever she can, she soon designates herself as the partner
of God:
"I
will help you, my God, so that you will not fail in me, but I cannot
guarantee anything beforehand. But this is becoming more clear to
me: that you can not help us, but we need to help you and by that
we can help ourselves. And the only thing that we can save in this
time and the only thing that matters is that part of you in us,
God. And perhaps we can also help to dig up that part of you in
the shattered hearts of others. Yes, my God, you seem not able to
do much about the circumstances nowadays, they just belong to this
life."
In
June 1943 both her parents and her younger brother were caught in
a raid and sent to Westerbork. Shortly after their arrival Etty
has the choice of going back to Amsterdam or giving up her special
status as representative of the Jewish Council.
Etty
chooses to stay with her family and becomes a regular detainee.
This way she can watch over her family and help the many people
that pass through Westerbork. The work in the horrific circumstances
in Westerbork is hard and costly but, because her motivation, like
her compassion, is of such a high caliber, she does not fail. Her
diaries end with the following words:
"One
would wish to be a balm for so many wounds."
Top
From
the testimonies of detainees that survived the war and had met Etty
in this period it becomes clear that this is precisely what she
has been for many people.
On
the 7th of September 1943 Etty was unexpectedly transported together
with her family to Auschwitz. She threw a letter out of the cattle
truck addressed to friends in Amsterdam in which she wrote that
'they left singing and in peace'. Etty was mentally well
prepared and accepted willingly her destiny. According to the Red
Cross Etty died on the 30th of November 1943.
Epilogue
It
is almost impossible to give a full picture of the richness of Etty's
life and journey. The complete edition of her diaries covers almost
six hundred clustered pages, and she also left more than a hundred
pages of letters written to her many friends and acquaintances.
Until now I have not mentioned these sometimes breath-taking and
haunting letters, in which one gets a terrifying insight of life
in Westerbork. By reading them one almost physically feels the horrendous
effect of the nightly deportations. Nor have I mentioned Etty's
friendship with Henny Tideman, who by her simplicity and true faith
represented a great example for Etty. In her writings Etty testifies
that friendship between women can lead to a rewarding and true sisterhood.
There
is still much, much more to discover in Etty's journey. One could
focus on her progressing discovery about human purpose, or about
the man-woman mystery, or the ripening relationship with her parents.
One could focus on the many outstanding qualities she developed
and learn what these qualities represent in a spiritual development.
An example of this is Etty's decision to be remedial for what is
wrong in the world by not allowing herself to process hate and to
grow instead the all embracing love for mankind. There is Etty's
Samarital life, there is the aspect of acceptance and surrender
to what was coming her way based on a deep and self-developed faith
and sense of destiny.
Etty
lived her life in a way so that it could add to the betterment and
development of all humans and especially the female gender. Her
writings constitute a very special legacy for all women in the world,
a gift to us all from a true and inspiring representative of the
Feminenza influence.
Top
All
quotes are translated from: Etty Hillesum, De nagelaten geschriften
van Etty Hillesum 1941-1943, Amsterdam, 1986
We
thank Uitgeverij Balans for their kind permission to use the photographs.
Parts
of her diaries are translated into English, French and Italian
-
Etty Hillesum, An interrupted life: the Diaries of Etty Hillesum
1941-1943 (translated by Arnold Pomerans, New York, 1983)
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Etty Hillesum, Letters from Westerbork, (translated by Arnold
Pomerans, New York, 1986)
-
Michael Downey: A Balm for all wounds: The spiritual lecagy of
Etty Hillesum, Spirituality Today, Spring 1988 Vol. 40
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Etty Hillesum, Lettres de Westerbork, (translation par Philippe
Noble. Editions du Sieul) Paris, 1988
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Etty Hillesum, Une vie boulversee. Journal 1941-1943, (translation
par Philippe Noble. Editions du Sieul) Paris, 1985
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